


VAMPIRE SMILE

by worry



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Self-Hatred, i love to die!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-31
Updated: 2016-05-31
Packaged: 2018-07-11 08:05:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7040095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/worry/pseuds/worry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Simon looks at Raphael like he is capable of good. Simon looks at Raphael, and Raphael finds new aspects of himself that he never knew existed. An aspect: he is not a monster. He looks like one. If you look at Raphael, you would be scared, and rightfully so, because Raphael only knows how to take and take and hurt and hurt and—</p><p> </p><p>He's not a monster. Simon Lewis looks at him and he isn't a monster.</p><p> </p><p>  (Or: Raphael, in fragments.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	VAMPIRE SMILE

 

**1.**

 

 

 

He touches Raphael's reflection, gentle, like he still has hope that he lives in a better world. A world without pain. A world where there are no monsters.

 

This is a hope that Raphael lost long ago. 

 

"I can see my reflection, does that - does that mean I'm not one of you?" he says, voice shaking and scared; somewhere in his mind, there is the word  _monster._ In another corner of his mind, there is the word  _God._ Raphael knows this because of his own experiences — once upon a time, there was a man. He looked at himself and said  _monster,_ looked at his hands and said  _God,_ _I have become this,_ and then he became the monster he thought he was in flickers. Bursts. 

 

(Hating yourself, for men like Raphael Santiago, is an inescapable feeling. 

 

Somewhere along the way, in the middle of the once  **upon a** time, there was a man. His name wasn't Raphael Santiago. Raphael never deserved a name like that, a name that implies something like — grace. Purity. Everything that he is not, and never can be, because he tried to keep Simon away from Camille he tried to protect him he tried to give him everything he tri—

 

There was a man, once. Once upon a time. Many years ago.

 

His name was something like Simon Lewis.

 

Now it's something like —)

 

(Hating yourself, for men like Raphael Santiago, men who are  _monsters,_ is an inescapable feeling.

  
   
He became the monster he thought he was in bursts. In visions. Time passes and these are constants. Time passe _d_ and these were constants. When you're Raphael Santiago, time passes and passes and passes and passes and then someone finds you. They are the only good thing in the world; you look at them and you think  _I can save them, I can be a better person, I can be — not a monster,_ and then you taint them. Ruin them. You fail to keep them safe and then time passes and passes and passes and you hate yourself even more.  _Monster._ )

  
   
(Simon is right to call him a monster.)

  
   
Simon throws him into a food truck and the only thing that Raphael thinks is how he should have been better.

  
 

He should have been a savior.

  
 

He will always be a monster.

 

  
**2.**

 

 Simon's first night with him is restless.

 

(It's his first night at the Hotel, in reality. 

 

Raphael likes to think that it's Simon's first night with him.

 

Only him.)

 

(He's good at pretending. Always has been.)

 

(Here's what he pretends is real: he isn't a monster. He isn't reprehensible. Not an abomination.)

 

(Here's what he pretends is real: he can keep someone safe. Maybe not Simon, but someone. Maybe he won't fail. Maybe he can redeem himself. Maybe he'll get one moment, one small second, where he doesn't view himself as disgusting.)

 

Simon doesn't sleep. He says that he sleeps easy, but Raphael knows that after you turn, you never sleep easy.

 

He walks into Simon's room and sits down next to him. "I came to check on you," he says. "I know how you must be feeling."

 

_Wrong move._

 

"You know nothing about what I feel," Simon spits back, through his teeth. He raises a hand to touch his fangs, but pulls it back when his thumb is punctured. "I don't know if you  _can_ feel."

 

"Do you think that becoming a m—" Raphael stops himself. He is too familiar with the word  _monster._ "A  _vampire_ is easy? Do you think that when I turned, I emerged happy and smiling? That I accepted who I was? That I was completely fine with the change?"

 

"Well, no, but—"

 

"I felt exactly the way you do now," Raphael tells him. "I  _can_ feel. When you died, I—"

 

He doesn't know what to say next.  _When you died, I—_

 

He could say  _I carried you back to your friends because no one helped me when I was turned. When I was a fledgeling, like you. I wasn't given a choice._

 

He decides against it. Maybe it is better for Simon to think that he doesn't feel anything. Maybe it is better for Raphael to pretend that he can close himself off. Stop feeling. Stop thinking.

 

"You what?" Simon asks.

 

"It doesn't matter," Raphael says quickly. "Sleep."

 

"I can't sleep," Simon tells him. "I think that if I sleep, I'll—"

 

"You don't have to worry," Raphael interrupts. "I will be here, watching over you. I won't let anything happen."

 

"Promise me that you won't let me do anything bad," Simon says. "I don't trust you, but you... you're all that I have."

 

The only thing that Raphael has ever wanted is to be something safe. 

 

"I promise, Simon. I promise."

 

Simon sleeps.

 

  **3.**

 

He doesn't know when he started to think of himself as something worth saving. Something that might not be terrible. He has caused so much pain, but now he is worth _saving_. Simon looks at Raphael like he is capable of good. Simon looks at Raphael, and Raphael finds new aspects of himself that he never knew existed. An aspect: he is not a monster. He looks like one. If you look at Raphael, you would be scared, and rightfully so, because Raphael only knows how to take and take and hurt and hurt and—

 

He's not a monster. Simon Lewis looks at him and he isn't a monster.

 

He looks at  _Simon,_ too.

 

"You have to be prepared for anything," Raphael tells him, during another of their training sessions. He pins Simon to the ground from behind him, because Simon wasn't  _looking_ and he felt like a—

 

He pins Simon to the ground because Simon has to be  _prepared,_ because he still has  _so much_ to learn and they have eternity together now. 

 

"You have to expect the unexpected," Raphael says, taking his hands and holding them behind his back. "You have to always be alert and focused. Your senses have been enhanced, so that should be easy for you."

 

"I don't know if I can do alert and focused," Simon tells him, mouth pressed against carpet. 

 

"I believe in you," Raphael says. "You have so much potential. More than you know."

 

He releases Simon, and when Simon stands up he looks taken aback. Dazed. Like no one has ever said that he has potential.

 

Wait.

 

No.

 

Like he doesn't feel as if he should be believed in.

 

It's terrifying, how much Simon reminds Raphael of himself.

 

"Thank you," Simon says. Raphael feels almost  _normal._

 

He contemplates touching, contemplates doing something light, but he isn't there  _quite_ yet. 

 

He isn't okay yet. He thinks that if he  _touches_ Simon -  _really_ touches Simon, not the kind of touch that you give someone when you pin them to the ground - he will hurt him, because he doesn't know how to restrain himself and he will Ruin again. Ruin something so beautiful and frail that he can barely comprehend it.

 

Then Simon holds a fist out expectantly, and Raphael stiffens. There's something rising in the back of his throat. "What?"

 

"You touch your fist to mine, it's a fist-bump, normal people do it all the time. How have you not heard of this?"

 

"I have," Raphael says. He swallows. "I don't understand how this situation warrants a fist-bump."

 

"You said something nice, I thanked you for it. This is my attempt at making the situation seem less emotional, so for G-..." He stops around  _G._ He wants to say  _God,_ that word again. _For God's sake._  That loving word. "Will you please just do it?"

 

Raphael does it hesitantly, touches Simon's hand and pulls away before he hurts him. Then, without thinking, he says: "Do you want me to teach you how to say God?"

 

Raphael stops, bites his lip. Hates himself for saying it. This is just an excuse to touch him, to look into Simon's eyes again and be filled with belief and hope. This is wrong. He is  _wrong._ He was told not to do this, long ago, when he lost his hope. He was told that if he feels this way, it will only end with hatred and disgust and he will be alone again. Monstrous, again.

 

"I'm sorry," Raphael says, because Simon hasn't replied yet and Raphael does not want to hurt him. "It was only an offer. Let's forget about it and continue with our training."

 

"Wait," Simon says. He stops Raphael with a  _touch_ and Raphael wants to scream  _I will only hurt you, be wary._ _Be wary. When you look at me, I float, and I don't know how to keep my hands to myself._ "I do. I want you to teach me."

 

 _Oh._ "Get some rest," Raphael says. "It won't be easy."

 

"I'm ready," Simon says. "I trust you, Raphael."

 

Raphael wants to say  _you shouldn't, you shouldn't, I am a nightmare,_ but Simon is  _looking_ at him. 

 

"Thank you."

 

 

 

  **4.**

 

He sits Simon on the floor across from him, his back pressed up against Simon's bed. He thinks for a moment about Simon in this bed, and then stops - here is a secret: sometimes Raphael  _wants._

 

It's a bad want. He wants  _Simon._

 

Simon is salvation; he makes Raphael feel like he has it all wrong and he doesn't ruin everything that he touches. He wants Simon and he wants their eternity. 

 

He never thought he was worthy of something so good and holy, but Simon is here, now, with him. It doesn't feel real. Simon is too good and it doesn't feel  _real._

 

He's fidgeting. Struggling with his words.

 

"Relax," Raphael says. 

 

"I can't relax," Simon replies. "It  _burns._ "

 

"Think about being happy," Raphael tells him. "Think about - love."

 

Simon's eyes close tightly. "Love," he says, "makes it hurt even worse."

 

"Okay," Raphael says. "Think about anger. Think back to when you were turned. How much you hated me. Think about how you called me a monster, and then when you called yourself a monster."

 

"I don't want to."

 

"Get angry," Raphael continues. "Think about being a monster. Think about feeling disgusting. Think about feeling like all you do is hurt people."

 

"But that's not true," Simon says. "I can't. I-I can't. You showed me that I'm not a monster. I don't hurt people. _Neither of us are monsters._ "

 

Neither of us are monsters, says Simon, and Raphael isn't a monster, he has never been a monster, in the eyes of Simon Lewis he is what he has always wanted to be: safety. A savior.

 

"Oh," Raphael says. "I didn't... think about me, then. Rid your mind of everything that isn't me."

 

"Raphael, what are you—"

 

"Focus, Simon. Think about me."

 

"I'm thinking about you," Simon says, unsure. Voice shaking, like how it shook the day he threw Raphael into the truck. 

 

"What do you see?"

 

" _God,_ Raphael, I don't know. I don't—"

 

Simon's eyes open, wide. 

 

"See?" Raphael says.

 

"God," Simon says, and then his words are a mess of  _GodGodGodGodGod._ When his mouth tires of repetition, he looks at Raphael, and says, "What does this mean?"

 

 _It means that I helped you,_ Raphael thinks. _It means that I am capable of something other than destruction._

 

"What does it mean to you?" he says instead.

 

"It means... I don't know what it means. All I know is that you're the reason that I'm still here, and I — I   _need_ you, Raphael."

 

Raphael smiles. A real, genuine smile. Monsters don't smile, and Raphael isn't a monster. He is  _needed._

 

He reaches over and  _touches._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> "Baby I need a friend  
> but I'm a vampire smile, you'll meet a sticky end  
> I'm here trying not to bite your neck  
> but it's beautiful" - Vampire Smile / Kyla la Grange
> 
> So I don't know what this is haha but here it is. Please tell me what u think!


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